Michael Bay's "Transformers" - Not The End of Western Civilization

"Transformers" possesses everything that is great and awful about Michael Bay. This makes it the director's best movie, since all his other movies were just awful. "The Rock" is fun mostly because of Sean Connery, and is nowhere near as good as anyone remembers it. "Armageddon" is a career-worst for every talented actor Bay roped in - and summons up all kinds of troublesome flashbacks to a time when the world made Ben Affleck a megastar. "Pearl Harbor" is an abortion. "Bad Boys 2" traded in the considerable charm of the first movie for pumped-up guns-n-ammo megafarce --- and had the merciless dull wit to end at Guantanamo Bay. "The Island" showed a new maturity - it took nearly an hour to get to the explosions - but squandered the considerable talents of Ewan McGregor and the considerable lips of Scarlett Johansson on a plot so bad, a crappy B-Movie from the 70s sued for copyright infringement. "The Island" didn't make any money (though the foreign cash made it almost profitable - don't you hate the foreigners sometimes?), but at least Bay got to screw Scarlett Johansson. You need to appreciate the finer things in life.

There was one great scene in "The Island." Ewan McGregor, playing a blank-faced clone, meets Ewan McGregor, playing the clone's smarmy-sneered template. What should be a b-grade stunt - think Van Damme playing off himself in "Double Impact" - becomes a delicate one-man comedy. It's so funny, and so completely unlike anything else that Bay has ever done, that you have to figure he was sick that day, and he just left Ewan a list of instructions: 1) Act. 2) Smile occasionally.

But then you have a scene in "Transformers" which may just be the funniest shit that will hit the cinema this year. The suburban-teen protagonist (Shia LaBoeuf - he would already be a superstar, if he just listened to his agent and changed his name to Rick Powell) is trying to find his great-grandpa's spectacles (don't ask), and doesn't want his parents to know that there are five gigantic autobots lurking in his backyard. The scene goes on for a long time, but it doesn't feel forced - if anything, it recalls an old Marx Brothers skit, steadily building towards ever greater absurdity. Bay is giving his characters some room to breathe - even the robots. I suspect that longtime "Transformers" fans will find the scene a tad insulting - Autobots aren't klutzes! Optimus Prime wouldn't say "My Bad!" WHINE! - but let's face it, "Transformers" fanboys are the bottom feeders on the pop mythology totem pole. And this scene has a bit of that old "ET" sense of genuine wonder - what kid doesn't want a bunch of twenty-foot tall robots in their backyard?

Speaking of "ET," many people in the theater were bemused to notice that Steven Spielberg produced the movie. According to this interview, Spielberg worked with the screenwriters on that suburban tone: Bay, by his own words, "added a stronger military thing at the beginning to make it more, I guess, badass." Coincidentally, the military thing is the worst part of the movie - and the part which feels most like vintage Bay. See! Bland Josh Duhamel imitate Bland Ben Affleck from "Pearl Harbor." See! Jon Voight look confused as a military leader, just like in "Pearl Harbor." See! The camera settle on the Hottie Blond Australian computer hacker whose backstory and name are never quite established, who Michael Bay almost certainly doffed between takes.

Here's Bay on realism:"I would never put actors at a Burger King, but it's what people do, you know what I mean?" Here's Bay on shooting inside the lead character's suburban home: "It's not a sexy house. But it's identifiable, and more accessible." Ladies and Gentlement, here you have a man fiercely at war with his best instincts. A sexy house?

But the suburban stuff is far and away the best part of the movie - light, whimsical, and above all, charming. Even with all the cutaways to the military, the first half of "Transformers" is the best work Bay has ever done - and shows that the influence of Spielberg (after "Island," this is his second film with Bay) is doing a considerable job of erasing years of bad lessons learned from Jerry Bruckheimer.

Then comes the last half hour of the movie, when Michael Bay gets to destroy an entire city with Autobots and Decepticons. I shit you not. He even has a bunch of planes flying through and occasionally into buildings. Sigh.